- The Knox County School rezoning posts are in the rezoning roundup.
- Welcome new readers!
- Are you in The Conversation?
- What is a podcast?
God Save the Queen! July 8, 2008 11:54 am
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Humor, Philosophy, Politics, Touchy Subjects, United States, World Politics , 3commentsAs seen on Puerilis:
God Save the Queen!
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
- Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
- The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as “colour”, “favour”, “labour” and “neighbour.” Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up “vocabulary“).
- Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter “u” and the elimination of -ize.
- July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
- You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
- Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
- All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
- Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
- The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
- You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
- The co ld tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
- Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
- You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
- Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyondyour borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
- You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
- An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
- Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
I wonder if we could talk Christian Payne (@documentally) into recording a reading of this. I tried but it was God awful! Now, give me some Jeff Foxworthy transcripts and I’ll do just fine!
3commentsBin Laden, Mission Accomplished July 7, 2008 10:23 am
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Conspiracy, Economy, Politics, Touchy Subjects, World Politics , add a commentBin Laden wanted oil to be $144 a barrel instead of $11 a barrel.
In a 1998 interview, Osama bin Laden — the terrorist organizer of 9/11 who still roams free — listed as one of his many grievances against the U.S. that Americans "have stolen $36 trillion from Muslims" by purchasing oil from Persian Gulf countries at low prices. The real price of a barrel of oil should be $144, bin Laden demanded. [Source, Think Progress, FLASHBACK: Ten Years Ago, Bin Laden Demanded Barrel Of Oil Should Cost $144]
Seen on Knoxviews.
add a commentDinner July 6, 2008 7:29 pm
Posted by utterz in : Daily Life, Podcasting , add a comment
A 2nd teen has picked out all of the meat to eat only the noodles and green beans, totally ignoring the watermelon.
Mobile post sent by djuggler using Utterz. Replies.
From the mouths of babes July 6, 2008 6:36 pm
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Amy, Daily Life, Evan, Family, From the mouths of babes , add a commentEvan, 3 years old: "Amy, I gotcha your nose!"
Amy, 6 years old, covering face with her book: "No you don’t. It’s protected!"
Amy:"Hey! That’s cheating."
Evan:"I gotchit!"
Amy:"I got your nose."
Evan:"NO Ammie!"
Evan:"Give you me my nose!"
Amy:"No. Give me my nose."
Evan, crying:"NO.. AAAAaaMY!"
Noses should have been designed to stay on our faces better.
add a commentJohn McCain: ‘I hate the bloggers’ July 6, 2008 12:02 pm
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Politics, Touchy Subjects, United States , 4commentsWay to win my vote Johnny! As seen on Crooks and Liars:
JOHN MCCAIN: "Now we’ve got the cables. We’ve got talk radio. We’ve got the bloggers. I hate the bloggers. We’ve got all kinds of sources of information."
The hi-res version of the clip is available for download (25.9MB) as well as the full campaign event (162MB). Anyone have a Youtube version that is a little longer?
Update: Remember John McCain [wants] to shutdown [the] blogosphere.
4commentsWaking in a box, underwater July 6, 2008 11:33 am
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Daily Life , 1 comment so farImagine being trapped in a coffin like box having just been plunged into the depths of a lake. Water rushes in as you pound the sides trying to break free. That is what a panic attack feels like and most mornings, that is how I wake up. As I leave the dream world in which I have spent the night fighting my demons, my conscious mind begins to run through the list of things left unaccomplished from yesterday, the list of action items for the day, long term goals, commitments I must keep under any circumstances, health of the children, time flying by, unfulfilled dreams, my aging body losing its health, the needs of my wife, bills that are due or coming due, money, money, money, desires, paperwork and legalities, and it goes on. By the time I fully awoke, my heart is racing and I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack. The dog rests her chin over my ankles consoling me and restraining me to the bed. Using her as an excuse, who wants to disturb the dog?, I pull the covers over my head and try to calm myself. Instead my mind again reviews its frightening list and adds a few things. When I finally rise, my muscles ache and my mind is exhausted.
1 comment so farAardvark is compatible with Firefox 3! July 5, 2008 10:08 pm
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Communications, Software, Technology , add a commentAardvark is a Firefox extension that I frequently use before resorting to MODIv2. Both of these tools outline elements in the browser and reveal the underlying CSS. When CSS is being mystical and you have keyboard shaped dents in your forehead, these tools can pull the man out from behind the curtain and help bring on that a-ha! moment which solve the problem. Aardvark needs to be installed from the developer’s site as its review for addition in the Mozilla Firefox Add-ons is not complete. I highly recommend Aardvark!
Oh, the Web Developer Toolbar also has similar functionality under Information->Display Element Information. (cntl+shift+f) The Web Developer Toolbar is the absolute most essential Firefox add-on for us Internet junkies!
Update: Like MODIv2, Aardvark now comes as a bookmarklet! That means Aardvark can be used with Internet Explorer and Safari also.
add a commentSeesmic interest declining? July 5, 2008 2:45 pm
Posted by utterz in : Daily Life, Podcasting , 2commentsMobile post sent by djuggler using Utterz. Replies.
The Righteous Path July 5, 2008 12:53 pm
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Deep Thoughts, Philosophy , add a comment
I’m listening to The Righteous Path by Drive-By Truckers
Years ago, I had some pretty far fetched dreams balanced by some pretty achievable goals. Seems I missed all of them. I lost the dreams and missed the goals. Now a days, my dreams and goals are pretty much "put food on the table" and "make sure the car has gas." Yes there are greater aspirations inside me but I feel an oppression that keeps them from surfacing.
As we make choices in our lives, we will be judged. If you look righteous up in the dictionary, one of my better friend’s name comes up. He is just shy of qualifying as a priest. I think I’m a pretty straight up guy. I’m honest and have a high level of integrity. Compared to my friend, I’m a heathen. But it is wrong to compare ourselves to other’s systems of morals. We must define our own morals and be true to ourselves for no matter how you live, someone will judge you harshly. The challenge comes in not judging ourselves too harshly and simply asking, "Am I on the righteous path?"
add a commentFrom the mouths of babes July 4, 2008 2:43 pm
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Amy, Daily Life, Family, From the mouths of babes , add a commentAmy, 6 years old: "Dad, did you get a cinnamon roll?"
Dad:"No. I don’t need one. Thanks."
Amy: "Well, I’m eating the last one already."
July 3rd Fireworks at West Park Baptist Church July 3, 2008 9:56 pm
Posted by utterz in : Daily Life, Podcasting , add a commentMobile post sent by djuggler using Utterz. Replies.
Today I am unplugged July 2, 2008 8:00 am
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Daily Life , add a commentToday I am not taking instant messages, phone calls, emails, etc. Naturally, my work is all online so I cannot unplug completely. Unfortunately, it means I will miss the co-working group again. Perhaps next week! (or if I really am ahead of schedule in the next 4 hours..maybe I can get there). See you tomorrow!
add a commentFrom the mouths of babes July 1, 2008 2:39 pm
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Cathy, Daily Life, Evan, Family, From the mouths of babes , add a commentMom: "Mister! If you are going to pee on the floor, you are going to clean it up!"
add a commentFrom the mouths of babes June 30, 2008 3:45 pm
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Amy, Daily Life, Family, From the mouths of babes, Of Being Dad , 1 comment so farAmy, 6 years old: "Dad, can I have a push pop?"
Dad, from behind a closed door: "Sure but I can’t get it for you right now."
Amy:"That’s okay. I already got it."
Tweetup was a whale of a time! June 30, 2008 3:01 pm
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Blog, Communications, Daily Life, Publishing, Technology , 3commentsAubrey’s management eyeballed them suspiciously. Fifteen silence people taking broad steps toward the restaurant with heads hung low, each holding a device in one or two hands with their thumbs making rapid movements. One of these characters held a device in each hand. "Quick! Open the patio. These guys look like trouble." The group settled in around the table, and, wordlessly, began pecking on their phones and palm devices. Occasionally one would look up, point and laugh. These are the Knoxville Twitters!
What is Twitter? Probably the most common question asked of anyone who admits to their texting addiction. Followed by: I don’t get it. Twitter is a microblogging platform which you update from your phone and receive updates through your phone. You can also update Twitter with special programs, instant messengers, websites, and email. Basically, people choose to follow your updates and you choose to follow the updates of others. When you send a message, all your followers receive it. It is like shouting into a crowded room. Some people use if for vanity/voyeurism/exhibitionism, some use if for marketing/spam/self-promotion, some for utility, some for news and so forth. The possible uses for Twitter continue to be defined as it is truly a new frontier in the electronic wilderness.
Right now Twitter is known for having frequent outages. People are irritated but the simplicity of Twitter puts it ahead of its competitors. The fact that Twitter has a strong community puts it ahead of the other services too. Twitter is going through growing pains and it will overcome the scaling issues. Twitter is well worth the wait!
Today’s Tweetup (a meeting of people who otherwise may only known each other online by their Twitter nick names, like a blogfest) was a lunch at Aubrey’s off of Papermill. Fifteen people attended and we all had a blast. In attendance: @djuggler, @zane_hagy_z11, @knoxgirl75, @mwoodvols, @whodini, @suzytrotta, @cocoholder, @kmberlylauth, @bballentine, @utfcu, @bobmissy07, @ashleystravel, @alanstevens, @mjstone, and @stuboo. Topics ranged from "what’s up (or down) with Twitter?" to careers to funny antidotes. We managed to stay out of politics I think. It was a lot of fun! I look forward to the next.
Update: Every needs to follow @thecadillacman so that he gets the next announcement.
3comments
